995 DAYS LEFT - HATING PEOPLE social burnout people burnout life burnout

 I originally wrote this topic yesterday when I was feeling particularly hateful towards nattering colleagues, women going on and on and on and on and on about weddings, never shutting their fucking mouths during the entire lunch time.  Not leaving to eat in privacy but right there in the middle of the office so they could drive me crazy.  Not expressly to drive me crazy but you know...

DO I hate people?  Am I  misanthrope?  

Reason number one, you are introverted and do not like having conversation just for the sake of having conversation.  You would rather read, have personal time, write, etc than have to engage in a stupid conversation with idiot colleagues about nothing.

I also hate people because there are too many of them.  Logically I am one of the too many but for some reason, I don't think I am part of the crowd of useless fucks who offer zero to the world other than taking up space and recreating shitty versions of themselves in the form of children who take up more space uselessly.  What is wrong with people?  You see alot from the banlieue for example - they are uneducated or poorly educated.  They exchange knowledge for knowledge of stupid shit, like brand culture.  They listen to shitty music.  They are not aesthetically pleasing.  They are often loud.  They are consumerist zombies but worse still, consumerist zombies of cheap, low quality products.  This is why I say they are just taking up space  Sure, businesses specialising in cheap, shity quality products will suffer economically but I would be happier if these people did not exist and thus did not take up space in public, were not eyesores, just were not at all even in Paris.  Make them stay in the banlieue, I would say, don't even LET them come into Paris.  You pay good money to exist in Paris you don't want it polluted with low quality human beings with no education, no manners no sense of politeness and an inability to distinguish between public and private space.   

I also hate people from the right wing.  I could say yes, ideologically, I hate these people because they appear to promote racial inequality.  Is that why?  I hate white supremecists, yes, I do because they are bullies, they view knowledge with suspicion.  The kind of people who ask a question like why are you reading a book and thus think you are communist or anti-hillbilly probably because you are.  Yes, reading is a suspicious activity.  Trying to educate yourself is suspicious behaviour because learning is a breeding ground for hating idiot white supremecists.  Their territory is blind ignorance so knowledge is the enemy.  Evil.  

Not all people from the right wing hate education.  Only the stupid.  Because you have intelligent racists and you have idiot racists, wholly in line with the idea that you have rich (intelligent) racists and poor (idiot) racists.  In fact, generally speaking I hate ALL people who are not curious and who think they already have all the answers which are; white people are the only people and everyone else should be treated like domestic or domesticated animals.

I touched on this early I think - maybe because I read it somewhere - how the rich and the poor have united.  They have done so because the poor white people think they can hook themselves up to the rich white peoples' success if they hook up to their agenda which is not even hidden, an agenda against all people but them.  So stupid and poor white people prove their own stupidity by failing to see that they are being politically exploited by a group of people (rich white people) who do not give a fuck about them but will be happy to use their ignorance and stupidity and inability to be curious, inability to think for themselves or even have access to other opinions, against them for political and economic game.  They are so stupid that they do not know they are being taken advantage of, used.  

No, go back again.  I hate people because there are too fucking many of them.  Too many people breeding.  Not enough space.  That is the number one reason and the reason why I think I am above these people is because firstly, I am not an uncurious zombie who cannot think for myself or refuses to think for myself but secondly and perhaps more importantly, I am not reproducing shittier and even more horrible versions of myself.  People who cannot run their own lives probably should not be allowed to reproduce.  Reproduction should be a privilege.  There should be a minimum requirement for being able to reproduce and that is not having sperm and an egg but some capacity to measure the confirmation that you will be able to reproduce yourself into a better verions of the shitty version that already exists and if you cannot do that you should be removed from the breeding pool or settled onto another planet far far away.

This is probably why I don't like socializing unless I am drunk.  Drunk is the great uninhibater.  This is a good thing and a bad thing.  For one, I need to be drunk to WANT to talk to people or maybe to even NEED to talk to other people.  I am notorious for getting drunk and calling people at random.  My mother hated me for contacting family members when drunk and having alleging to have real emotions for them when in reality I have no real emotions for family members.  I might even be a sociopath in that regard.  I keep my distance.  I have no use (had no use) for my mother, have no use for my father other than wanting him still to be alive because I would miss being able to share the past with him, that limited past but a past nonetheless. (maybe this is why in the past I have stayed in touch with old girlfriends, to remember the past ad infinitum).  Have zero use for my sisters and nieces.  Why?  Because I do not respect them?  Yes, in great part, yes.  My mother supported Trump against all intelligent logic.  My sister has never left the country for crissakes, never left america for stupid reasons like fear of flying.  These are not my people.  My people like to read, like to travel.  These people, if they loved me only loved me because I was a member of the family but I have pretty much succeeded at stripping that away through hostility and a refusal to communicate for years.  I do not do the things you are supposed to do like acknowledge events in life of the other people, birthdays, graduations, etc.  I cut everyone out of my life because they have no business being in my life, simple as.  I have nothing in common with them other than blood and what does blood mean in this bloodless fucking world?  A repetition of mistakes?  No thanks.

If I am not drunk I am quite happy being alone.  I am quite happy quite happy but I fear for some reason that if I were absolutely alone, that is to say, not living with Kattia, that I would be miserable because then the solitude would haunt me.  I like being alone, doing nothing, adding nothing to life.  If I am alone I am only buying shit out of absolute necessity.  I am not wandering the fucking streets starry-eyed with consumerism.  I am saving, not spending money.  Alone, I would not have a feeling of being loved or of loving.  I would miss that.  Would that make me become more of a social animal?  I doubt it.  It might, if anything, alienate me even more from people because I would no longer have someone whining in my ear about what a negative and horrible human being I am.  

Some idiots have coined a term called "people burnout" because everybody needs a cute little phrase neatly summarising all their fucking mental problems.  People burnout, jesus what a larf.

Being forced to communicate with people that you dislike (i.e stupid or diagreeable people) all day long and then come home to listen to Kattia whining and complaining about her pathetic life is hardly the sort of ingredients required to make a happy and calm, rational outlook.  Of course when I am alone I do not go out.  I am quite content to stay in all weekend for example without one single bit of human communication.  

Yet oddly, I keep thinking that without Kattia in my life I would feel alone and miserable, the irony of thinking that when I allege to hate everyone and when every ounce of me seems to feel the burden of living with Kattia be it because of all her stupid rules or because her life is constantly falling apart, I don't know.  I think we are meant to be together but wonder were we meant to be together forever or just during this particuar period of time and if only for this particular period of time, then WHY?  What was the starting and ending point that marked the end point for the need for having her in my life to begin with? 

Would my life for the last ten years or so have been better, absent all those moments of love?  Have all those moments of love been crushed and overwhelmed by indifference or anger or disputes?  I don't know.  I tend to believe or want to believe that it has all been worth it  Awe, now I am getting all sad and soppy thinking about life without Kattia.  Is that a real feeling or a sad and soppy feeling?  Would these years have been better without her?  How could that be?  I've had so much fun with her.  Really?  When?  Oh c'mon, there is something about her, you know that, the silly excitement about a film or about buying cheese or about buying cheese and sausage and wine, for example, I know relatively simple things.  This is what brings me back to her time and time again.  

But I was talking about hating people.  

Have I always hated people? 

Well, I have always been a rather solitary man, that is true.  Unless I was drinking.  I seem to have established a clear social frontier between socialising and partying.  The truth is, other than playing music with Alex let's say, I never really spent much time socializing with people arbitrarily without the common goal of getting fucked up together.  It seems to be the foundation of my socialising, getting fucked up.  The basis for talking to people at length.  

Maybe I am the people other people warn against.  A friend who is not a friend but just someone who wants someone to drink with.  

I'd like to think that I am a friend to my friends the real ones anyway, the ones like Karen and Marni that I talk to even if I'm not fucked up but so many of my social contacts are involved with drinking - but this goes down to only wanting to be around people if I am drinking and thus wanting to socialize because I see no point in socializing just to socialise.  Maybe that is because you are happy being alone but happy being alone only because you are not "really" alone and that is the rub because you don't need more than the idea of domestic life which is why you were in such an emotionless marriage for so many years.  You just want the façade of a domestic home situation or the idea of a girlfriend rather than the actual meat and potatoes of it.

Not to compare myself with Sigmund Freud but he got it;

“In the depths of my heart I can’t help being convinced that my dear fellow-men, with a few exceptions, are worthless.” ― Sigmund Freud, Letters of Sigmund Freud, 1873-1939

Maybe it is a question of ego and arrogance.  Take away ego and arrogance and you might find human beings to be a comfort.  But that is hard to believe since the backbone of your thoughts about the world is that people are more readily greedy and selfish than anything else  

Maybe it is not the case that the ratio is such - far more greedy and selfish people than non greedy and selfish people but that the greedy and selfish people stick out more or get more press.  I don't think so actually - I am always well aware of people who show awareness of the world around them - like in the gym, the cunts who take up space and make zero effort to move their shit so there is room for another person or those people who automatically move their shit to make room.  You test this every time you are in the gym and more often than not you see their selfishness.

Same with the metro and same with public space in general.  Some of that may be down to narrow sidewalks sure, people get in your way because you walk faster than other people because you want to get the fuck home or to wherever it is you are going as quickly as possible because it seems when you are meant to be somewhere you want to get there.  You also hate being subjected to the slow pace that other people move.  It is great to want to walk slow or talk on your phone or text while you walk but you are getting in the way of ME when you do that and then become an enemy, a blockage, a piece of shit getting in the way of me moving.  Yes, that does sound selfish, let's have socialized social space where it is all shared or forced upon you by people who are only aware of what they are doing and not the world around them.  You are hyper vigilent by and large to the presence of other people.  Others seem to completely ignore the fact that there are other people around them.  Another reason you hate people.

Bill Hicks had it down too - 

"I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes."

We are or they are?  

Dostoevsky said “I become hostile to people the moment they come close to me. But it has always happened that the more I hate men individually the more I love humanity.” -

I think I feel the opposite.  I hate humanity as a general thing because it is humanity as a general thing that is reproducing too much taking up too much space and the collective greed and selfishness that ruins the world.  People individually, I can stomach because they have a face.  Having a face means I might be able to find some redeeming quality about them despite whatever massive character flaws they have so maybe the reality is that I hate humanity because it is faceless and in that facelessness, I can draw broad generalisations that allow me to hate humanity.

Within a misanthropy discussion via a philosphy website I find something stated that sums up alot of what I feel:

A day out for the supremely misanthropic is akin to torture. Hearing bimbotic girls squeal at the slightest provocation can feel like being skinned alive. Watching demonstrations of false machismo from boys and men trying to prove a point is no less painful. The girl in school uniform ahead of the misanthrope in the queue at the stationery store should never have been born. She is vehemently trying to figure what is half of the price of one pen in spite of the repeated insistence by the cashier that the special offer means she can buy two pens for the price of one. Her useless mother standing by quietly should never have spawned. Stupid breeds stupid. It would have been less painful getting stabbed with the same pen the dumb child was holding then to have to listen to the vegetable pretend to have a brain. In some such instances, death would have been a welcome respite. This is misanthropy.

Yes:  Whoever wrote that understands.  

Yes, I DO think I am above the fray and yet here I am in the middle of the fucking fray.  Why am I in Paris if I hate humanity so?  Because it is physically, a beautiful city and yes, it was demonstrated to you during Covid and lockdowns and all that how much BETTER the world could be if there were FAR less people in it.  

Stop capitalising words it looks stupid or crazy.

All of these topics should really be addressed in greater detail since you do not have much time, only 995 days left it says, to express myself.  So what the fuck am I trying to say?  Do I regret hating humanity?  No.  Humanity as a general idea is a failed idea.  The planet is being destroyed, there is a huge disparity between wealth and poverty.  This notion of capitalism, designed to propel us forward faster (towards what some end or some beginning?) is really an excuse to allow the most vile elements of humanity to have the upper hand.  Greed and selfishness.  Imagine thinking that the best that humanity can come up with to make life better is an ecomomic theory based on greed and selfishness.

Sure, communism didn't work either because of greed and selfishness  You cannot build an economic system which will avoid human greed and selfishness so the reason capitalism works so well is that it doesn not try to hide from that ugly reality, rather it embraces it.

For the pleausre of having half as many people in the world you would give up most of what you have or think you have other than your mind and the ability to read and write.  

Covid and confinement taught you alot about what is wrong with society.  Having to commute for one and then the whiners whining about not enough social connection as if working, slaving for someone else to get rich while you barely make ends meet (and by you I mean everyone not just me the have nots rather than the haves of course) - some threat on twitter you followed yesterday on the crammed métro ride home was about you earn ten cents for every dollar of profit your boss makes but how that has become so distorted when you think of Amazon employees and Jeff Bezos personal wealth, to have incomprehensible weatlth that boggles the mind more than you could ever possibly need in ten fucking lifetimes so that you can employ people at slave wages.  The history of capitalism my friends.  Greed an selfishness.  What else would you expect?  Socialism?  Sharing?  Fuck that it is every one for themselves and that is also why you hate humanity.  It's lack of compassion other than in some fake form of social concern or social pressure.  And the right globally is winning that war too - fuck compassion, let me make my money and the rest of you can fuck off and if you are not white you can fuck off even further.  

Well, I clearly think that I am better than the rest of the world or most of it and this is why I am a misanthrope.  Let's not try to kid ourselves.  

If I were less arrogant I would be grateful for all good that I have experienced.

Maybe your hatred for humanity is fueled by your inability to believe that all the media stories about horrific human behavior is the exception, artificially enhanced in order to sell the news, in its most hideous nature because hideousness and horror sells more than stories about people being nice to each other because let's face it, stories about people being nice to each other are boring.  You need the horror in there at least half way in there, to give life the necessary balance to allow yourself to feel as though you are not living in a fake world of goody goody humans when all the fucking evidence of killing over the course of mankind would tend to prove otherwise.