998 days - ILLUminating a Trajectory - time and beauty

 Do you feel the time ticking away?

Jacques Derrida defines “archive fever” as a “compulsive, repetitive, and nostalgic desire for the archive, an irrepressible desire to return to the origin, a homesickness, a nostalgia for return to the most archaic place of absolute commencement.” The archive is a home, stemming from the Greek arkheion, “a house, a domicile, an address,” but it’s also a tomb — the legible tracings of a lost life. The archive is “muddied,” Derrida writes. It’s full of ghosts.

My archive is my blogging as well as my letter-writing to Karen as well as my novel-writing to self-publishing.  I want to be heard.   Karen is my archivist because she is the only one who cares.  Kattia doesn't care about any legacy of mine, why would she?  She has no idea who I am and why would she?  I have hardly been honest with her.  She is too pure, no, too judgemental to listen to me.  I've known this all along.  Being with her is about being on a superficial level about thoughts, ideas, art.  It is being in art for sure but the philosophy or thinking that goes on behind it is as superficial as those handbills that "explain" the "vision" of such and such contemporary artist.  She thinks there is no drinking behind all that passion.  Or maybe she just simply doesn't like it because it is ugly and she disdains ugliness.  

Whereas I embrace ugliness.  I like the both sides, the beauty and the ugly because the truth is somewhere in between those two.  

I don't hate Kattia now, especially as she struggles as she does she becomes more human.  It doesn't make her more compassionate however.  Nothing achieves that unless it is anyone of her sister other than the oldest.  And even she does.  

But her struggles do not make her more beautiful to me either.  They make her more burdensome although you would not say ugly.  Just something I don't want to deal with and that bit is telling too.  I don't want to hear her complaining, I don't want to see her ugliness anymore than she wants to see mine.  

Free from Fear.  

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