new explorations with Claudia called Shari Therapy Letter Writing Alexandra

 not weird, just I dunno..she was unhappy all the time, even when she got all that she wanted.  she could never just sit and enjoy what she had.  she always wanted more love but she wasn't very loveable, kept her distance....at first I tried to love her.  I tried to understand her.  But she was always trying to be cool, distant.  Then she would get a little tipsy at night and want to hang all over me which you know, was the last thing I wanted to do.  

her mother died when she was young and she grew up in a house with a distant brother and a nasty drunken father.  so she wasn't happy.  she loved some other guy when I met her, or used to.  But he left her for a chinese girl.  her and I got married in city hall, after knowing each other like a week or so.  but she had a lot of issues.  look, I had a lot of issues too.  I was miserable and also a drunk but we made it from nyc to england togther somehow.*

yeah, I married her because look, I thiink I wanted to get married.  I was in nyc for just a little while, maybe a month or two i'd been there.  turned down a model from montreal, well kept my distance becasue i was still in love with Alexandra back then, looking to rebound I guess or get back with her but she was in SF by then.  we'd split.  I was just back from Prague to NYC and thinking about going to Poland to find a good woman to marry.  so Shari says if you want, I'll wait for you here in NYC untill you get back and that touched me so much (yes, we were both drunk at the time) I asked her to marry me and she said yes and then a few days later we were married just like that.  Jesus I can't believe I played russian roulette with my life like that back then.  I really didn't care about anytihng. 

well, that's kind of a funny thing.  She moved to SF and I was in NYC and I would call her from time to time but we'd broken up you know?  If she'd said come out to SF I'd have done it in a heart beat but she was keeping her distance..anyway one day, like a couple of days after I got married, she called me up to say that she'd been thinking about it and she wanted us to get back together again, like the thing I'd been dreaming of, right?  Like in that movie, Swingers where she finally calls him and he's already in love with someone else.  Anyway she calls and tells me that and I have to say look sorry, but I just got married to someone else.  I wont lie it felt good.  Like you blew it baby, you blew your chance when you left and left me high and dry and didne't return my calls etc payback etc a good happy moment in my life.  making someone else know that they'd lost me after they'd hurt my heart.   I really did like Alexandra though.  My life would be much different if I'd just decided to move out to SF with her.  God knows what it would be like now.  

Well, we Alexeandra and I were together I dunno, months maybe six months all the while knowing we were going to have to split up so that kind of upped the ante.  She was going to record bird songs in the jungle in Panama or soemthing and I was going to move to Prague, basically so i wouldn't be  left like in DC without her.  Then for another six months we were apart but had this intense romance, you know passionate passionate romance, I was in prague and she in panama then THEN we had our big reunion finally in DC and were going to move to SF together but then i dunno what happened in like a few days later or a few weeks, we broke up and she moved to SF and I moved to NYC.  So much happened since then. 

yeah look, this was Before the internet so we could only write to each other. She could write to me a little bit and me, I wrote to her address in DC like her parents house or something so when she got back there were a million letters.  Now that I think of it, look,, it was the theme of my first novel, all this letter writing campaign to build love and then became a sort of subconscious theme in my future dealings with women.  Letter writing to love.  Anyway, it was not easy to stay in touch back then before the internet and mobile phones, jesus, it sounds like I'm talking about the stone ages but so much has changed so fast with technology...this was wow, maybe 30 years ago or something.  So we could only dream of each other (once I got a letter from her and put it under my pillow when I slept).  but don't get me wrong, I was no angel.  Within a few weeks of separation and promises of abstinence, I started sleeping with this half norwegien half Serbian bird I met who was staying at the hostel I was staying in and we really hit it off.  then I dated and Irish bird and then a couple of Czech girls.;..when I came back to Alexandra though, she was where my heart was.  

It's a blurry period lots of drinking.  She cried about getting her hair cut for the first time which kind of put me off her a bit.  Then she went through my writing and found references to other birds in the writing, like clearly finding out I'd slept with others and then she just sort of I dunno, we had a lot of anger for some reason, stress, tension I dunno, our lives were in limbo but anyway, she moved out with to her mother's house and that was that.  She left me with the rent so I split too and left for NYC, threw our rings in the creek, fuck it you know, I was very bitter about broken heart

ah right, hot wife that was it.  because i'd had a wife before.  well Claudia, I like your name already, I had a girlfriend  by that name once.  I do remember some of our relationship before you and I now, in Bristol but that you were very inecurte and I was trying to dance in and out of commitment wasn't I so it's kind of surprising to find we are in London now living togeether and you are wanting me to think about you as my pretty wife.  Sounds llike some sort of witchcraft went on here...

I don't remember seeing if Samantha had a nice bum or not.  it was just her persona you know?  she was kind of hot, way hotter than jeanie the whatever she was genie inia  bottle magic women with magic powers what were men thinking back in those days in the 60s?

Garcia Marquez sez

I think that it is a privilege to do anything to a perfect degree

It is not a privilege, it is an effort. It is not a privilege to make an effort. It is a privilege to BE ABLE to see what is perfect and to achieve it not to do it.