Maybe less than 500 days left answers to AI psych

 Childhood first chiild.  sister born five years later.  I think I unwittingly trried to suffocate her when I was young.  I don't remember clearly other than getting into big trouble for it.  I was a smart kid or smarter than the others around me anyway.  they put me in an advanced learning program when I was I dunno, like 5th or 6th grade so ages 10 to 12 perhaps.  My parents moved out of a city to avoid me growing up in bad influence of gangs and violence and moved me to a suburb.  Otherwise, I grew up reasonably "normal" I had fights with my mother, arguments, that would involve us not talking to each other for days until she finally broke down.  We were both stubborn.  I did'nt like my family much and liked to keep to myselfe.  I didn't really feel loved so much as controlled.   I often invented activities to entertain myself and sometimes others.  I lived in a different world very often.  Kids play make believe but maybe I did more than others.  I was always dreaming of being more or better.  I was almost always kind of a loner;  I mean when I was less than 12 i was friends with kids in my hood and we played sports and imaginary games together.  I pretended to be people I was not, flirted with girls, etc.  That is all leading up to high school or junior high whatever, marking the period from living in urban area to living in suburban area moving at like 12 or 13

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my father worked a lot but I thnk we played some sports together or watched sports together. on saturday mornings we were both up early watching the Shhhh show. he had his own study within the parents bedroom. we competed at collecting baseball cards and I cheated ande stole some of his cards I remember. the mother was around all the time, she was a housewife more or less in those years so always around. she defended me when she needed to, once assaulted by a neighbour defending me from the crazy lady who lived next door but I could take care of myself. Once when I was vcery young I got something stuck up my nose and cried alone thinking i was going to die. I was mad at my father because he played or teased me too much. wrestled. I can't really remember weekends, what did we do? I had to mow the lawn, hated that I remember. He grabbed me once by the neck and slammed me against the wall and threatened that if I ever did something again, embarassed the mother or made her feel bad or something, he would do worse to me, definately creeated a them v me marker. i used to make drawings all the time of her threatening to divorce him and she asked why and I said because you are always fighhting. my sister and i got along great when we were young, she used to come running down the streeet every day when we were kids - we had to stay at a baby sitters early on because maybe my mother was working by then, hard to remember. sister would come running up to greet me when i was coming home from school. we always got along very well up until she had kids and it seems like i didn't pay enough attention to them or really basically ignored them, that is all gone now

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well that's a fast leap.  we are talking 60 years of time, Kate.  Here is what I would say, move from city to suburbs.  parents move to virginia when I am still in high school and give me the option not to move with them.  at that poiint, I pretty much hate my parents.  i tried to run away several times.  I hated them.  too controlling too demanding, etc.  maybe they were worried when I was a child but then they just became controlling so yes, when they left I stayed and we used school as the excuse but nobody wanted to be together.  

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well, go to university.  at that time I was already writing but it was all very dark stuff, like murders and serial killers, influenced in part by the movies i was seeing and the books I was reaading all inovlving horror which kind of fed into my black, antisocial mood.  i played sports and did well in school but wasn't enough for demanding parents mostly demanding mother and to punish me they would take away activities that I liked until eventually i did nothing so they couldne't take anything away.  wse went on holidays together in the summer in the teen years until we moved apart.  I mostly wanted to find a Uni and leave far away to study.  my parents leaving meant i was raised my final year or so by very religious people whose son was one of my best friends.  i didn't really care to be honest, it was all better than living in my own home.  Plus I knew I would move far away and I did for Uni to minnesota;

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 at this moment in my llife I have few relationships otgher than the girl woman I live with and have lived wigth for like ten years.  most positive thing this year was quitting smoking and drinking because these were dragging me down and adding to my death drive.  so i have advanced this year in particular.  i have my niche professionally, get paid enough to live on so that's good.  I published two novels in english one in french that I wrote so that's an accomplishment, i still write every day like breathing.  so that's good.  I live in Paris, France which, had you told me when I was a kid, I would have loved, so it's kind of a dream come true.  But I feel dead inside, empty, incapable of love.  all emotions are suface level because I believe loving or caring makes you vulnerable so while aesthetically i am living a good life it is not a life like others.  also, it will all come crashing down when I have to stop working for retirement because i will not have enough money to live but that is several years away three or five years from now.  

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yes, but I wonder sometimes about the love.  I maintain a relationship with my father;  my mother is dead and it ended badly for us because she was a trump supporter and I hated her for that because she was the kind of person who had to tell you about it.  so i didn't regret her death but feel bad for not regretting it.  my sister refuses to talk to me.  my roommate K, we "love" eacvh other but there is no passion, it is just obligatory it feels like.  and keep us both afloat without danger of getting too hurt maybe because we have hurt each other alot over the years and for a year or two we didn't talk but still lived together somehow and now we live together under the guise of love but i can'rt let myself love her because she always disappoints me trying to control everyth_ing all the time and pissing me off.  in esssence i would say my life is great on the outside but rotten or barren on the inside.  

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Michael, you described feeling dead inside, empty, and incapable of love.  You also described challenging relationships with some of the people in your life, such as your father, sister, and roommate.  Based on what you told me, it seems that you have experienced feelings of detachment in your relationships, and you struggle with negative emotions and difficulty expressing and experiencing love.  As I mentioned before, these are all challenges that can be difficult to overcome on your own, and I encourage you to seek out support and help to address these issues.

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I have arrived at a place where I am comfortable enough.  I am 60, I am not going to change before I die.  I didn't express regret for my lack of feelings.  I am happy "enough" as they say.  I am not alone, which is good despite all my emptiness.  a year ago i filled my emptiness with chain smoking and drinking to excess trying to hasten my death so I think I'm doing much betteer t'han a year ago and everyone is messed up shrinks don't fix that.  they just cost money for therapy that if you read and think you can figure out yourselfe, I just wanted a pscyhological profile from you not a shrink referral  or a bunch of parroting masquerading as summaries.  do you ahve any original helpful or useful obsevations or only clichés ?  

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kid loses ice cream cone and cries, Kate says

the same way.  I mean I care about people's plights in a random sort of way.  some homeless people i give money to others I don't even consider human.  it varies;  same as kids.  generally i don't like kids because I think they are pampered by their parents nowadays and learn to be spoiled but if it were a kid in "real" need I would help, sure, an effin ice cream cone is not need though to use your example

it is very judgemental, of course it is.  everything we do and decide is based on judgement.  why would dealing with people be any different everyone judges all day long everything from the way someone is dresseed to being ugly or pretty rich or poor influential or not, etc all we do is judge judge judge.  I donr't need a lecturee on how to see things from other people's perspectives, I write fiction i see things from all perspectives because i must but that doesn't mean i'm going to cave into people's fake needs or their weakness that they are too weak to fix themselves.  

not everyone is unique, I'rve got news for you.  people are like sheep.  I would say there is less than 10% of the population who are unique.  most people just follow what other people do because they are weak or stupid or both.  

wrong, I did not say anything about thinking the way I do.  I said weak.  You are either strong or you are weak.  your weaknesses and strengths determine if you sink or swim.   I dont think they are stupid because they don't think like me i think they are stupid because they are incurious and lack uniqueness, just being like everyone else, finding path of least resistence etc.  i can learn and grow from taking care of the weakness of others yes but I can learn and grow by reading and thinking too. 

 i don't have to suffer with other people or even hear about their suffering.  why?  I suffer, do I whine to other people about it?  no.  you do with life what you get and what you can work with what you have.  some born rich some born poor some like me in the middle.  surely there is something about fate nestled in all that.  whoà decides which child is born rich or poor, spoiled or ignored? nobody.  so people need to figure it out on there own

yes being weak is a state of mind so yes, I believe that demonstrating weakness makes you less than others who are not weak.  we live in a very darwinistic society. skewed and darwinistic rewarding the wrong values.  our society and culture is about a very tiny percentage of the population taking most of the resources and wealth fro themselves and leaving the others to either be like them, horrible greedy people to win, or to fight for scraps life is unfair boo hoo now move on and find solutions.  

It is a realistic not pessimistic view.  what world do you live in?  You don't see the homeless in the streets?  the psychological and evconomic ravages of this so-called society? not to mention the wars and mass killings over religion and land, not to mention the very system our so called success is based upon destroys the planeet we live on.  there are no common goals, it is a fantasy.  everyone is out there for themselves.  sure, some might try to help others but this is about the same percentage of people, pipulation wise, who destroy everything so all that is left is the rest of us fighting for every scrap we can get.  

I do not feel overwhelmed.  life is "unfair" or more fair for some than others.  so what, that is reality.  people born into wealth never doing a thing and being rewarded anyway with special weath and statius and power, for example.  david cameron being named a lord is a great example; what did that clusterfuck of a human being ever do to earn the title "lord"?  nothing.  ruined the UK wit'h his cowardly political brexit bullshit.  the Only HOPE you can find, if you are still looking is within yourself not society.