1000 DAYS

 Childhood first chiild.  sister born five years later.  I think I unwittingly trried to suffocate her when I was young.  I don't remember clearly other than getting into big trouble for it.  I was a smart kid or smarter than the others around me anyway.  they put me in an advanced learning program when I was I dunno, like 5th or 6th grade so ages 10 to 12 perhaps.  My parents moved out of a city to avoid me growing up in bad influence of gangs and violence and moved me to a suburb.  Otherwise, I grew up reasonably "normal" I had fights with my mother, arguments, that would involve us not talking to each other for days until she finally broke down.  We were both stubborn.  I did'nt like my family much and liked to keep to myselfe.  I didn't really feel loved so much as controlled.   I often invented activities to entertain myself and sometimes others.  I lived in a different world very often.  Kids play make beli...

 - Italy - the ile of Capri CA-pri they said over and over correcting.  Walk up and up and up through nothingness and vineyards and fields towards the summit where rest the remains of some god king statue and on the way, finding that place in the middle of nowhere, the only customers, the proprietor eager to cook, every bit of the meal from scratch, one course after another - the New year's day meals in France particilarly in Orleans - the double gigantic Schnitzel in Berlin waiting for Karen, in Charlottenburg, shocked and amazed by the size and cheap price - the first time eating Argentine parillada and each time therafter, particularly in Argentina - Riodizio in NYC and then in London the red and green cards, food non stop carved out in front of you never knowing when to say stop red light too much - sausages and brown bread at streetside stands in Prague - the thanksgiving meal you and Kathleen prepared for your mother all from scratch using recipes from Kathleen's cooking...

answer these questions. • What was your role in the relationship? • Were there issues that kept popping up, again and again? • What were typical interactions with your significant other like, and were you comfortable with them? • What part did you play in resolving conflicts? • What are your needs and were they being met on a consistent basis? • Were you able to meet your significant other's needs? • Did you feel that any sacrifices you made for the relationship were healthy/balanced? • How did you tend to communicate? Were you able to speak openly, honestly, directly and without aggression? After answering those questions, scan the other important relationships in your life and see if anything stands out as a pattern. You might consider enlisting the help of a therapist in sorting this out, especially if you find yourself in psychologically, emotionally or physically abusive relationships.

 WHAT does it tell me that I have waited a week to continue this count down?  That I am lazy?  That I am letting days slip through my fingers, the final 987 days of living disregarded as if they would go on forever? No, of course not but I have not been right of late. Not in the heart, not in the mind and when you are not right the days get buried beneath the absence of joy.; It doesn't fucking matter.  What matters is IF I thought about this - I will turn 60 in what, 17 months SO I might not even have 987 days left to live.  Once I stop working I am fucked and my flat will be no more, my relationship will be no more and I will be fucked.  Now, maybe I can keep working after 60 no reason why not but imagine for fuck's sake Yes, I know, I have thought ok, fuck it lose it now, let it all go, what fucking difference does it make, deny love, deny hope, deny happiness and live the rest of your days curled up into this ball of hatred.   The whole thing ...

I want to say once and for all because pride always prevented me from saying it - Silvana cheated on me and chose leaving over staying with me.  There.  I created this entire bullshit scheme and story, a dramatic refusal to accept facts involving death and christ-like resurrection, all to avoid dealing with the shame that the first woman I chose to really think I fell in love with and spent time with was a whore who couldn't stop herself from sleeping with other people.   Was she really a whore, did you love a whore?  No of course not, that is bitterness and broken heart. How many disappointments with love?   Lori Hoff - High school beauty who I let myself get infatuated with - yes, I wrote love letters to her in French maybe yes, and I stuffed them in her locker.  Mr Anonymous.  And eventually it all came out and of course she didn't love me or wouldn't want to.  It was like some stupid John Hughes movie before they were ever written....

 I originally wrote this topic yesterday when I was feeling particularly hateful towards nattering colleagues, women going on and on and on and on and on about weddings, never shutting their fucking mouths during the entire lunch time.  Not leaving to eat in privacy but right there in the middle of the office so they could drive me crazy.  Not expressly to drive me crazy but you know... DO I hate people?  Am I  misanthrope?   Reason number one, you are introverted and do not like having conversation just for the sake of having conversation.  You would rather read, have personal time, write, etc than have to engage in a stupid conversation with idiot colleagues about nothing. I also hate people because there are too many of them.  Logically I am one of the too many but for some reason, I don't think I am part of the crowd of useless fucks who offer zero to the world other than taking up space and recreating shitty versions of themselves in the...

 It would appear, by sight of my mounting debts, my adult lifetime of debts that like many famous writers (and here I can insinuate myself into the clan of famous writers by sharing) I love leaving beyond my means, beyond my station.  Is that the number one defining characteristic?  Other than being an alcoholic?  Perhaps.  Or does the status of not only "writer" but "published" (shush on the self-published) writer leapfrog over the negative qualities and provide the potential dating candidate with a certain lively appeal? I've got 996 days left to live your life and if so, the first thing I need to do is establish another large tier of credit so that I can continue to live my life above my means - my means being, looking at ads or Instagram images (the holy-coded hell of images) and realising no, you cannot go to that restaurant or no I will never be vacationing to that country again or no, that girl is nowhere near my capability, etc etc.  It is all about...